Diving Deep Into The Shallows

So it’s like I never came back, as this here nerd-blog has lacked in regularity and discipline as far as updates go. I have good excuses though! Or maybe just excuses… Well, between my recently purchased Xbox 360 and the advent of a Digital Cable connection– I’ve basically been drowning in my television. Between hacking my way through Fable 2 and Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (both are awesome BTW), I think I’ve spent the majority of my free time in the past few weeks either slaying zombies or impersonating them while glued to re-runs of No Reservations and various VH1/MTV reality TV shows. I’m quite convinced that thanks to the combined efforts of the cast of Flavor of Love (and all its antecedents) we will see the incubation and derivation of weaponised STD’s in our lifetime. Truly, this is a great country.

USA! USA!

And speaking of patriotism, genital shrinkage and narcotics abuse, we have the beautiful and bathetic displays of ego and more ego on like Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling where you can see “celebrities” like Todd Bridges (Diff’rent Strokes! Felonies!), Dustin Diamond (Screech! and…. Screech!),  Nikki Ziering (she married that asshole from 90210 and has large boobs! Large!) in a competition to see which ex-star slash parole-violater makes the most convicing wrestler. And being a realistic pro wrestler is basically being about mastering a multitude of skills. One must be a shitty stunt-man, soap opera actor, carnival barker and meth addict. With his absurd egocentricism, propensity towards violent outbursts, and long history of substance abuse– I’ll call it early and say that Danny Bonnaduce is your winner.  Sorry Frank Stallone, I don’t see a championship belt in your future. You’ll just have to fall back on that being-the-brother-of-a-famous-but-not-particularly-well-respected-actor thing you got going.

As far as I can tell, the only “project” that Chef Jeff is working towards (on the appropriately named, Chef Jeff Project) is getting his group of troubled teens used to being berated for following guidelines that were never laid out. And I think that by any standard, that is probably the most important and well-learned lesson that anyone who aspires to a career in the restaurant industry can get. The premise of the show is that ex-con Chef Jeff (try saying “Chef Jeff” over and over) teaches some young ex-cons the basic skills they need to succeed in the restaurant industry and become a big-shot TV chef like him. But he never teaches them anything. He lays out what they have to do, leaves and then yells at them for fucking up. It’s clear most of the kids have all the knife-handling skills of maladjusted puppies (who don’t have thumbs and are bad pets) but he’s still somehow shocked that after showing them exactly nothing, the juvenile delinquents didn’t perfectly execute 100 8oz. servings of chicken picatta for the cast of Survivor: New Jersey. Chef Jeff calls it teaching, but you know what yelling at someone for failing to do what they couldn’t have known you expected of them is called? Tough love guys, TUFF L-U-V (at least according to my parents).

Also, I’d like to know who produces all those Sci-Fi original movies– I’ve got an idea that I don’t want to say too much about that I think would be perfect. It’s a monster movie, but with a twist! All I’ll say is that the creatures involved kill their (sexy) teenage victims in a grisly fashion, and that these killer monsters may or may not have thumbs and may or may not be adorable when piled together inside a cardboard box.

Despite TV consuming much of my brain/soul in the past few weeks, I just want it to be said that I have been reading lots of comics. And thinking about comics. Just not blogging about them. Which is kind of like telling you that I meant to do my homework, but didn’t because a thumbless puppy ate it. Which he did right before yelling at me for not writing my homework on salami. More comics and salumi coming up, I promise.

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